Will you remember?

We’re only half way through this year, but I’m a little anxious. The last few months have been full of furrowed brows, pursed lips, tears, angry sighs, and weary bodies. We’ve tried so hard to shake it off for you, to live in the moment and to be present for all your goodness, but sometimes we haven’t managed.

I often wonder if you’ll be blessed with your daddy’s incredible memory. I hope the laughter and tickles, the long conversations, the days out, and the cuddles as you drift off to sleep will be what shines from this time.

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Yesterday you ate plums in the garden, side by side, giggling and squealing. Two impish peas in a pod. We strolled to the park in the sunshine and you had the place to yourselves. My beautiful boys; playing chase, mountaineering the wrong way up the slide, running back to me every so often for a drink and a breathless kiss. As I sat on the grass watching you play all the jagged corners in my mind softened. You are everything to us.

However hard life gets, these days with you are like sunbeams lighting up the shadows, making lost flecks glow and dance in slow motion. I hope these will be the moments that shine for you too.

Linking up with:

And…

living arrows

Hello sunshine

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A couple of weekends ago we tore a little hole in the thick cobwebs that have been weighing us down, and ventured to one of our favourite sunny weather locations – our local PYO place. The sunshine, fresh air and unadulterated family time was so good. Life has been really bloody stressful recently (I feel like I’m always saying this!) so we needed to switch off, if only temporarily, and just exist in the moment with our boys.

This is a photo heavy post, so click below to read on

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Bean wavered between being super-happy about being able to waddle around freely, and super-angry whenever I moved away from him; such is the joy of the 18 month old limpet phase! As you can see above he’s perfected the art of the sullen pout and it’s hilarious and heart-tugging in equal measure. Luckily he recovers from these sad moments very quickly…

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The boys loved playing at the PYO site which, as well as row upon row of fruit and veg, houses a children’s park, an old tractor, a sandpit, and some sweet bunnies in hutches.

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Last year, after a very successful PYO ‘harvest’, I made enough gooseberry jam for a small army. This year I doubt I’ll get the chance to make anything – strawberries don’t last very long in our house. In fact, E *may* have eaten half a punnet before we paid…

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I’ve written more about our local PYO over at childrenarewelcome, a fantastic site that lets you know about child-friendly places in your local area. Go, take a peek and see what’s on where you are!

It’ll be OK

2014 has been a hard year so far. H.A.R.D. We’ve had some rather large, awkward-shaped problems to wade through. Problems that can’t be side-stepped or shoved to the back of a drawer and covered with odd socks. Quite often it’s been a lonely slog. On the plus side (ever the optimist) I’m immeasurably grateful to the friends who have been an anchor, grounding me when all I wanted to do was float away. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have such honest and loving women in my life.

Another plus side to this horrible year is that I’ve realised how strong I’ve become. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my 33 years, often with little support, and it’s made me resilient. And do you know what? I’m proud of myself. Yes, I realise self-praise is very un-British, but I don’t care. Women are far too self-effacing in our society, and if the women I know are anything to go by we should all be shouting from the rooftops about what we’ve made it through.

That doesn’t mean I don’t wobble. Some days I crumble. But that’s because I’m human and we all have a finite capacity for heartache.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this post, it was meant to be a smattering of positivity to counteract the melancholy of my recent tweets, but honesty is getting the better of me again. I’m hoping that’s a good thing.

Sometimes blogging can feel claustropobic, with it’s emphasis on happy, shiny stuff. I’d like to think those of us who have unhappy days, weeks, months, or even years, can offer something important and palpable to this often surreal online world. We are none of us perfect.

i will not compare

^^ can we just take a moment to acknowledge how awesome this print is? I love everything on Emily McDowell’s amazing website. I think I’d wallpaper at least one room of my house with her work if I could ^^